“I can endure all things with God in control. I am not one to ask why, I do understand there is a time and place for everything. I ask God to watch over my family and keep them safe. I thank him for showing me "favor"' I pray for peace and help with anxiety.” – Zina Williams
It wasn’t until years later that I would learn that my mother, Zina Williams, would start her journey of separation with her then husband Erbie Bowser in the year 2011. I wouldn’t gain access to this diary entry until the year 2014. In the diary I found this in, it was the only entry. First page. The rest blanks. Interesting right? Well, for me it is. In 2014 I remember clearly sifting through the little bit of my mother’s belongings that I had access to. Praying that I just find something. Something to help me make sense of this crazy HORRIFIC life, my family had just been placed into.
We were exactly 6 months post tragedy when I saw this. I remember having a sigh of relief, that I recognized my mother’s handwriting. You see, when you suddenly lose people you love that are so vital to your existence you seriously pray that you don’t forget the little things. The little things like, the sounds of their voices, their smile, their scent, their handwriting, the list goes on.
One entry. I can’t ask questions. I still have NO CLUE what all happened or why this happened. The people around me at this point are the worst and most shady group of blood sharing individuals I have ever met, and I am in pure SHOCK.
“I can endure all things with God in control.”
“I am not one to ask why, I do understand there is a time and place for everything.”
“I ask God to watch over my family and keep them safe.”
“I thank him for showing me "favor"' I pray for peace and help with anxiety.”
Anxiety? Momma you had anxiety? I would have never guessed that. EVER. Anxiety warrants fear, right? I literally sat and googled EVERYTHING that centered around anxiety. I read so much stuff till my eyes got blurry and red. I read until I couldn’t read anymore, screamed and threw my damn phone across the room! She knew? She knew we had the potential to be in danger? Anxiety. She had suffered enough to know the potential of what lay ahead of 2011. Prayer was the only thing that could truly save us. Prayers she prayed. “I ask God to watch over my family and keep them safe.” We needed every ounce of protection, we could get. Prayers this time wouldn’t be enough. We needed more. It is only one entry. It’s clear it is up to me to fill in the rest.